My friend who died ended his own life. I found out today.
From the outside looking in, it appeared as though the world was his oyster. He had a beautiful, intelligent wife, a house, and a loving family. For what more could you ask? I was looking at some of his pictures the other day, before any of this happened, and I thought to myself that he looked so happy, so loved. He was one of the last people I would ever think could make such a decision; to choose death over life.
As sad as I am for him, all I can think about is his wife. They were supposed to have a lifetime together- to grow old with each other. And now she's alone; left by herself to pick up the pieces and somehow move forward. It makes me queasy to think about the helplessness she must feel. What must she have gone through when she went home and found him?
I've experienced depression before. Shortly after my Mema died my dad was diagnosed with Small B-Cell Lymphoma, specifically Small Lymphocytic Lymphoma. Within four months my world was turned upside down and I was devastated. Months later I no longer recognized myself and my parents were so worried about me. I got help, went to a psychiatrist and was put on an anti-depressant. After awhile things began to look brighter and I was slowly weaned off of them under my doctor's supervision. It was a painful time in my life, but I never thought about ending it. That's why I know he must have been in such tremendous despair.
It's taken me five minutes to write the word. Suicide. It takes my breath away like a punch to the stomach. I don't know if he reached our to anyone or if he kept it all bottled inside. What if someone I'm close to is experiencing the same thoughts and feelings? How can I help? I hope I'm the kind of person that someone could turn to, but maybe I'm not. I don't know, what are the right words to say?
Tonight, I'm feeling helpless.
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