So, my ex's wedding photos are starting to pop up on my Facebook news feed. This was the part to which I was least looking forward. I hadn't actually clicked on any of the pictures, but I did look at the thumbnails; for me it was kinda like putting my feet in the cold water before diving in. And to my surprise, it didn't bother me at all; I didn't have that sick, punched in the gut kind of feeling.
Everything was a-okay until this morning when I accidentally clicked on and maximized one of the wedding photos. It wasn't even the picture that got me, it was the caption- "Mr. and Mrs. So and So." WHOOOSH- all the air went out of my lungs and it was hard to breathe. I didn't even know why it upset me until I realized that I spent 9 years practicing my "Mrs. Katherine So and So" signature. I know that sounds so middle school, but I was in middle school when we started dating and that was the "in" thing to do. Then it just became my doodle, me practicing which way I would write my name; would I be "White-So and So" or just "So and So?" Even after we broke up it took me awhile to break that doodling habit- it was just ingrained in my subconscious.
This whole post may seem to negate my claims of truly being happy for him and his new wife, but I promise that isn't true. I'm not the best at dealing with unhappy emotions and my usual M.O. is to bury my head in the sand and pretend that nothing's wrong. After enough time has passed, such that I can confront what's bothering me without turning into a basket case, then I try and deal with it. I know that's not the best coping method, but it usually works for me.
So while I really am happy for the ex, I just now realized how sad I am for the me that spent nine years with him. Not that I regret a second of it, but it makes me sad to remember the type of girl I was then; a sickeningly sweet romantic, lover of love, love conquers all, love is blind, kinda person. Someone who saved every last petal from every flower, movie stub, note, card, and church bulletin. I was 24 before I could bring myself to throw away the flowers, some dating back to 1995! I know that I am definitely not that type of person anymore, but for the 14 year old me that just KNEW she was going to be "Mrs. Katherine So and So," I'm sad.
It's funny how the brain works. Had I not seen that caption I probably would never have remembered my incessant need to write my future signature on any and every available space. It wasn't until I saw someone else with my name that I realized I have probably been doing more of the ignoring of my feelings than the actual dealing with them. I have to admit though, it's kind of a relief to be feeling this way. In the back of my mind I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the moment when it, the sadness, would hit me. So I'm glad that it's here and, surprisingly, it's not quite as bad as I had anticipated. But just to be on the safe side, I think I need to go on a Facebook hiatus for the next few days!
20 hours ago